One Month

In true new-mama style, I wrote most of this post on the appropriate day, and then got interrupted by a hungry baby.  So this post is actually posted the day after the fact, but the sentiment remains the same!

Today we are wishing our wee girl a happy one month “birthday”.  And already we can see just how much she has changed.  She has grown weight (from 4.43 kg at birth to 5.25 kg a week ago) and height (from 54 cm at birth to 60 cm today).  But the biggest change is in her personality.  She has gone from a little sleepy newborn to a slightly bigger, more active newborn.  That doesn’t sound dramatic, but believe me, it is.  Especially because of the smiles.  Nothing beats the smile of a baby (especially your baby)!

It’s hard to know what to say about the last month.

One month ago I was in the delivery room, in a world of pain.  I couldn’t focus on anything but the pain.  It was constant, with no respite at all, and I was doubting my ability to cope.  What I didn’t realise was that I was only an hour and a half away from meeting our baby.  That hour and a half positively flew by (well, I can’t remember most of it) and before I knew it, they were telling me “it’s a girl” and a squirming crying little blob was being placed on my chest.  It was the most intense experience of my life so far, and one that I don’t think I can possibly explain.  Probably because I can’t even quite process it.

But I do know that it was, quite literally, life changing.

Because a month ago I hadn’t even met our daughter, and today she is the major driver of my entire life.  My decisions, my actions, my day to day everything is based on her wants/needs.  Right now she is napping in a wrap on my chest.  I am grateful that she seems to be through her latest growth spurt, or is less tired, or whatever means that she is fairly happy and sleepy (so far) today.  I am grateful that she is here, and real.  I am grateful that I get to know and encourage this little lady, and that I get to do it with The Engineer.

But as much as it was life changing, I am currently sitting at the computer, blogging, listening to podcasts, and drinking decaf coffee.  And this morning I ran some errands, watched a bit of TV, went for a walk, and checked out Facebook.  So in a lot of ways my life is pretty similar to before.  I am still a lady of leisure in many ways.  I just live my life of leisure with a small person strapped to my front (which makes it all a little bit more difficult and exhausting and also a little more interesting).

So there you have it.  My life is just the same and totally different.  I would say more, but honestly, my brain and ability to write have both kinda disappeared at this point.  So I’ll leave you with a picture of a one month old girl and her moose. It pretty much says it all.

One month old

 (though I suppose it would say it better with a bit more baby spew…)

Consumed

I wouldn’t call our little koala baby particularly difficult. But she is a newborn, and thus makes it difficult to get much else done.

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I am now fully into the “stay at home mother” role, with my Mum back in New Zealand and The Engineer back at work. And honestly, I just don’t know where the days go. I sometimes have a couple of naps with the wee one. But mostly I am just feeding, settling, and holding her while she sleeps (or cries).  Sometimes I manage to feed myself as well. It doesn’t sound too intense, but it is.

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I expected physical tiredness. But because I am a good day napper, and I have an amah and a very helpful husband, I actually don’t get too much of that. The thing that really surprised me is the overwhelming emotional tiredness. Every waking moment, and most of the sleeping ones too, is consumed by this darling wee creature. Every moment that she cries gets to me deeply.  I am holding her almost all the time in my arms or in a wrap. And so by the end of a day, I am pretty darn exhausted (despite the fact that I have had some sleep, and haven’t “done anything”).

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I want to talk about and think about other things. I want to get back to yoga and writing and creativity. But right now I just can’t.

I am consumed.

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And it’s wonderful.